First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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