just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
