i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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