shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
