Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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