the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
We're too hungover to prance.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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