just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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