You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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