just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
