Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
