well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
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