I bet he comes in French.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
