You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
