I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
