She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
