I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
