Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
