I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
