i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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