Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
