i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
