I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
my sisters under your porch take her home
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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