i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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