What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
