I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
