You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
