when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
