Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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