call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
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