i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
