I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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