If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
