dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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