I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I fill condoms, not promises.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Randomize
