sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
