Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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