I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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