So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
