highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I touched a dick in church today
Randomize
