have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
