And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Randomize
