so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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