woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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