I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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