you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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