I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
