Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
