Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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