u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Come on in and take your pants off
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