fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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