I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
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There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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