I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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