So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
